WEEKLY WTF
04-01-24 Edition
Drinky Poos with Shawn~1
Watch Me & Ted sample whiskey and trucker piss!
Resurrect Your Ass
Happy Easter!
Oh Crap….
Here’s something fun,
look at the fucking sun,
emulating a nuclear blast!
What would you do?
If this shit was true?
Freeze? Or run really fast?
Would your pants fill with crap?
Would your amygdala snap?
Would you lament and say “poor me”?
Perhaps a relieved sigh,
melting face turned towards the sky,
your last thought: “ahh, finally free”.
Shit… that got kinda dark,
this is just a fucking lark,
a bit of doom porn is fine from time to time.
The end is gonna happen,
are you ready or are you crappin?
Who knows when death's bell will chime.
All our terror and fear,
comes from right fucking here,
“death”- whichever direction it may come.
Contemplate the end of your bod,
at least give it a nod,
to pretend it will not happen- is dumb.
One day your meat will be dead,
might wanna pull out your head,
the more you can face right now- the better.
Do you tell a comforting story?
Going to heaven in a blaze of glory?
Belief won’t allow you to unfetter.
We all do what we do,
you are the boss of you,
but it’s worth contemplating annihilation.
I’m not saying don’t believe,
but it’s healthy for us to grieve,
ignoring our biggest fear is mental masterbation.
Doom and gloom aside,
take life for a ride,
opposites are what makes life sweet.
It’s all so fucking short,
shitty thoughts you should abort,
the cosmos woke up as you- ain’t that neat!?
Explore that feeling of doom,
realize it’s not you then BOOM,
accepting death releases a huge weight.
You only get right now you see?
Get out of your mind and just BE,
YOU steer your life- not fucking fate.
That's all I have to say,
go on about your day,
hurdling through the universe- weeee!
Contemplation is not a must,
you’re still made of stardust,
a cosmic amnesiac that calls itself “me”.
The Easter Slug
It’s a thing!
You’ve heard of the Easter Bunny of course, well, fuck that guy, I’m pleased to introduce to you the lesser known “Easter Slug”. Also called the Pacific Banana Slug (Ariolimax Columbianus) or occasionally known as “Ew WTF is that!?” Unlike the Easter Bunny (Hallmarkius candyus) which in its yearly emergence leaves bits of colored foil and plastic eggs and petroleum based green shreds sold as Easter grass all over the fucking place the Easter Slug leans into the more religious occidental traditions of its holiday by resurrecting shit. I mean literally, among other things, it eats shit.
Here the Easter Slug is shown eating an Artist Conk fungi (Ganoderma applanatum) which is in turn, and in a sense, itself eating a California Laurel tree (Umbellularia Californica). While the elusive but cute Easter Bunny delivers diabetes and childhood obesity to bright eyed eager and excited children throughout North America the humble Easter Slug goes about its business of slowly munching on shit, and shitting the shit back out thus magically transforming forest detritus into fertile soils thus, in a sense, resurrecting the dead shit into living shit.
The earliest mention of the Easter Bunny was from a German text dating back to 1572 when he was a hare named “Oschter Haws”. The text stated “Do not worry if the Easter Bunny escapes you; should we miss his eggs, we will cook the nest.” Whatever the fuck that means. Then in 1682 a German Botanist dude thought that was cute AF and propagated the story (as Botanists tend to do. Propagate that is).
In 1752 German immigrants brought the Easter Hare to Pennsylvania where it was set loose to do what bunnies do. I’m not going to say it. Ok I’m going to say it, they fucked like Bunnies and became the invasive holiday species we enjoy today. After a couple centuries of fucking and acclimatizing to its new culture, the Easter Bunny became synonymous with the religious resurrection holiday, chocolate & jelly beans, Springtime and tired parents of toddlers frantically buying candy and dying eggs and shit and eventually paying large dental bills for rotting teeth. Thanks a lot Germany.
The Easter Bunny (Hallmarkius candyus) teaches us (Americanus dumbasseus) to obligatorily give sweet shit to youngsters regardless of health value or detriment. An appropriate adaptation to our culture indeed. Do shit because that’s what everyone else does. Whereas the Easter Slug is just a thing I made up for the simple fact that I can do that, I can just make shit up, just like some German dude made up the Easter Hare. And guess what? You can just make shit up too, you know that right?
I don’t mean to demonize the poor Easter Bunny or suggest that folks should eradicate him. I myself have fond memories of childhood sugar comas and I definitely gave the same experience to my own crotch fruit. I’m just saying that it’s worth being aware of what we do and exactly why we do shit because there are more nefarious things that we do “just because” that we don’t consider or whose origins we don’t understand. We have a tendency to just follow the pack when what we would most benefit from is more free thinkers who in turn inspire more free thinking. Would that I could I’d make free thinkers an invasive species but polititians are farmers who don’t like weeds growing amongst their crop.
Anywho, let's bring it back to the Easter Slug. Without Slugs and mycelium and carrion eaters, and the like, breaking things down into nutrient rich soil the world would be choked out with unprocessed dead shit and eventually nothing would grow. So what is the Easter Slug trying to tell us? Perhaps if we liken our own inner psychological and emotional ecosystems to the ones outside our skin we could learn to better process all that old bramble of shit that we try not to think about. Regrets, fears, worries, all that mental detritus left unprocessed will choke out our experience of existing. Then hacking though it and getting tangled and trapped becomes our whole fucking life. You don't have to eat shit like our slimy green friend, sometimes it's as simple as letting yourself feel something about something you’ve been avoiding.
The Easter slug doesn’t get caught up with likes and dislikes. It lets everything be what it is: nourishment and purpose. It accepts all equally and everything it comes upon, even actual shit, it uses to feed itself which in turn enriches its ecosystem. Perhaps that’s its greatest message. Imagine if we, instead of constantly complaining about shit we don’t like or comparing what we have to others, would instead view the world like the Easter slug. Imagine if we could see the benefit within every situation we encounter. We may not enjoy eating our occasional brand of shit, but it’s gonna happen, you’re gonna have to eat a turd once in a while, such is life. To see everything, especially the difficult and challenging things, as proverbial shit that ultimately will enrich us or strengthen us or teach us- is to transform the situational ecosystem of our life into a rich and fertile forest of experience. A tweak of your own thought process towards optimism will benefit not just you but all the meat trees who you find currently growing within your situational ecosystem. You don’t have to be green or slimy to take on life in a positive way, you just need to become aware of your thought process and begin overwriting all that old bullshit negative code with a new and inspired positive one. We have to stray from what’s normal because what’s normal these days? Depression, anxiety, social disorders, eating disorders, PTSD, drug and alcohol dependency, etfuckingcetera. Maybe ask yourself if being “normal” is actually a fucking good idea or not. What’s sweet at the beginning becomes sour in the end.
So happy Easter, whatever that may mean to you. Don’t feel guilty giving a bunch of sugar to your kids or for sneaking their candy when they’re running around all wired not looking, I just used the tradition to illustrate a point. Best not to take anything I say too seriously and for that matter, it’s best not to take yourself too seriously either.
Take a breath, it’s Springtime, you get to exist and experience this moment which is a pretty fucking rare and miraculous thing considering how incredibly empty and hostile to our brand of life the universe is. You get to exist AND the strangest and most incredible thing of all is that you get to be aware that you exist, I mean like what the actual fuck!? Stardust woke up and became you for fucks sake! And by virtue of this awareness we are free to not just follow a pack. We are free to regard all of life’s circumstances as being beneficial in some way- despite our old labeling. We are free to not just be aware of the data coming through our sense organs but be aware of our processing of said data. We are free to become cognizant of our thoughts and aware of our own fucking awareness. Maybe it’s time to better utilize and break open that most strange and rare of Easter eggs-Consciousness. To let all the dead things in your thought ecosystem be allowed and thus noticed and like our friend the Easter slug, munch and process all that shit thereby resurrecting it into an actual and more genuine experience of your life that only exists in this moment- this one right fucking now, not the one from a while ago, not the one you’re anticipating, this one right- fucking- now. Resurrect yourself from the conceptual past and into the now. And fuck it, you’re the boss of you, go eat some damn candy if you want to. Toodaloo.
Alrighty, well… have the week you want not the week you’re given. It’s up to you. You’re the one livin’.
Toodaloo
