WEEKLY WTF
11-18-24 Edition
Big Moves
Wifey poo & I made big moves this week and Maisie Mae made little ones. Little moves that dwarf any supposed “big” ones we made.
A few days ago she moved her right thumb. She was so nonchalant about it: “look Dad” was all she said as I watched her thumb slowly go up and down a quarter inch. My eyeballs got instantly sweaty and a grin threatened to swallow my entire face.
When Wifey poo and Ama & Apa saw the big/ little thumb move emotional pandemonium ensued. Cheers and tears and… “Calm down” was the stoic reply Maisie deployed with a slight eye roll… followed by a secret smile.
Thanks to the incredible generosity from family and friends and an extended internet family contributing to Maisie’s gofundme and the fucking amazeball Rio Nido Roadhouse benefit for Maisie we are all getting through this. We were also able to buy a 2022 Toyota Sienna wheelchair conversion van. Turns out that wheelchair conversions cost as much as the vehicle itself- no shit. So thank you all!
Maisie has had one outpatient physical therapy appointment back down at Santa Clara Spinal rehab so far but we are making bigger moves than that. While we are still here in Walnut Creek at Ama & Apa’s house, awaiting our elevator to be built at home, we are getting her into a program called Rise that is a private therapy gym for spinal cord injury and stroke victims. We’ve gone once so far and we were all thoroughly impressed. They did things we’ve never seen before. Also they are all young, chatty and have high energy which I think is a good thing for our girl who has been stuck with us oldies for months. What’s truly amazing though is that during her assessment we found she has some more movement in her right leg! We were like “what the fuuuuuuck!?” It’s very exciting and inspiring to see!
Even the tiniest step forward- is still a step forward.
The Rise folks will be collaborating with a trainer from Lifetime gym that has been helping Maisie’s Grandpa (Apa) since his spinal surgery months ago so that Maisie can go there as well to work on different muscle groups in her arms. We are extremely grateful to Wifey poos folks “Ama & Apa” because they are the ones who made it possible having done the research and are paying for Maisie’s extra therapies!
Like I said- big moves. Another big move is that Ama & Apa have arranged for Kristen & I to go to their gym too while we are here: Liftime in Walnut Creek. To be honest I’ve never been a gym guy. I mean I’ve worked out in them a’plenty but I never managed to get really into it. I always had this curmudgeonly thought that goes something like: “Why the fuck walk on a treadmill with a bunch of sweaty mofos I don’t know when I can walk in the woods completely alone?” Or: “why push and pull on metal contraptions when I could go put that motion to use building something or fucking with my yard?” and so forth.
But this gym is like nothing I’ve ever seen before, it is fancy af. It’s so outside of my wheelhouse that I can’t help but be fascinated. It’s like a fucking resort or country club. Or at least what I imagine a country club might be like since my country ass has never stepped foot in one. The people working there are dressed all in black and have radio wires extending up out of their collars and into one ear like they are secret service agents or some shit.
Anywho- my entire life and my entire paradigm of what life is has been thoroughly shattered and Humpty Dumpty is putting himself back together again in a whole new way because- why the fuck not!? I’ve gone to the gym the last 3 days and I’m so sore I can barely move. Besides normal gym shit they have a jacuzzi and saunas and a cold plunge. Have you ever done a cold plunge before? It’s absolutely fucking terrible… until it’s not. I just drive my meat tractor straight in until the ice water hits my chin and I don’t give it the option of wimping out. I keep my breath steady and don’t allow myself to shiver. This is a great mind over matter practice. My skin turns white and my hands and shins ache tremendously but when I get out? It feels fucking incredible. I’m up to 3 minute soaks. Highly recommend.
There’s so much going on- too much to report really. Maisie is a full time job but we are sharing duties and finally are managing to take care of ourselves bit by bit. That’s something people tell you in these situations: “you have to take care of yourselves so that you can take care of her.” It’s not something we don’t know it’s just that in the beginning of a tragedy like this it’s not possible, not even a little bit. In fact, in the very beginning you almost want to suffer. You can’t imagine taking care of yourself when your beloved is so broken and in so much pain. It feels like pain is the only thing you have in common and you don’t dare disconnect that terrible thread.
But- we are finally moving past that it seems. I seek balance but cannot manage to exist in the gray. My life is a teeter totter of extremes, all or nothing. It’s not on purpose- it’s just at how I’m built. So I’ve gone from withering away sitting next to her hospital bed eating taco truck and door dash and turning white and pasty for months to putting myself through my own version of boot camp.
I’ve never been good at doing things just for the sake of myself. I pulled out of an entire year of daily devastating ptsd panic attacks not for myself- but for the possibility of helping one single soul to not have to experience such suffering if I could figure it the fuck out.
At 52 I have been slowly building a shed over my tool but the belly needs to go. The damaged disk in my lower back is only better when I lose weight. In other words I can’t be a fat fuck with a bulged disk and expect to be able to slide transfer my Daughter from chair to bed and back. But for Maisie- I can, I’m going hard. I even got a glucose monitor that I stuck on my arm to be able to see real time data about food intake. I’m not fucking around.
Our Daughter broke her spine. It’s a totally fucked up situation. We’ve experienced our rock bottom and are now on an upswing simply because- we say so. Yeah, it’s that simple, like flicking a switch but there is a certain timing involved. You have to go through it and feel it fully first, bypassing is a bad idea.
I am using the polarity of this terrible thing as a counter balance to become more healthy. To re- write reality in a pristinely simplistic way. To let go of so many things I thought mattered. To make micro choices right here and right now and not beyond- in order to achieve macro results. It’s not about silver linings, it’s about acceptance. Accepting life just as it is right fucking now, storm clouds and all, and making those moves, little moves that become big. Despair turns to acceptance. Suffering melts into a new kind of happiness. A happiness not reliant upon anything other than existing and experiencing life just as it is. I would have never understood this to this depth had I not been so thoroughly shattered. I can, at least, be grateful for that but find myself grateful for so much more because- why the fuck not!?
I woke up today thinking that this would be the first week in years that I didn’t post anything. But here we are. This shit happens of its own accord it seems. Thanks for reading, dear reader, for without you I wouldn’t write. Toodaloo until next time.
Dedicated to Miracle Maisie Mae
Toodaloo
