WEEKLY WTF

Oct 28

Written By Shawn Boland

11-04-24 Edition

I Get It

I just want to say

I get it.

Don’t worry fam

don’t fret it.

Never

alone would I leave her.

Never

would I drop that cleaver.

Never would I do it

know what I mean?

I won’t pull the rope

on my own guillotine.

Seriously though

I do get it.

But those who jump

instantly regret it.

That lead candy

may seem nice.

But don’t be a dumbass

it’ll put you on ice.

I know it’s fucking hard

you’re trying to cope.

The answers not there

at the end of that rope.

But yep I do

I get it.

If it’s locked and loaded

just set it.

Just put it

in a damn drawer.

A bullet can’t fight

a one person war.

Stop

stroking it like a lover.

Put it away

put on its cover.

Ignore the voices

it’s you who must choose.

Don’t listen to pills

don’t listen to booze.

Seriously though

put it the fuck away.

Give it a minute

There’s something to say.

Just say it

say the damn thing.

Be the tearful hurricane

emotion will bring.

I know, I do

you don’t feel heard.

But fuck all that shit

let life be your word.

My advise is this:

see what happens next.

Don’t look too far forward

your ass will get vexed.

I don’t mean tomorrow

I mean right now.

You’ve won every battle

by fighting that’s how.

Seriously I mean it

wait one minute more.

Go get some air

feel your feet on the floor.

I know you’re tired

I know it’s rough.

You feel like a knuckle

punching made tough.

Temporary problems,

you can’t see what’s true.

A permanent solution

you cannot undo.

Don’t be so hasty

flush that pill.

So many graves

you don’t have to fill.

Avoid the edge

just make a call.

You’ll regret the big jump

you can’t stop your fall.

Seriously fucker-

go take a breath.

Don’t let today

be the day of your death.

I know it seems hopeless

perfect- life ain’t.

Just do your best

no one’s a Saint.

So you fucked up

just let it burn

enough to remember

then take a new turn.

But I get it.

Such a fast easy out.

If you believe in God

he’ll kick your ass out.

If you follow the Buddha

then don’t say a word.

All of your suffering

he’s already heard.

If you believe in Christ

then obey the boss.

Only one motherfucker

can ride on that cross.

Believe in nothing?

Stick around a bit.

Life always changes

it’s great then it’s shit.

A believer in this

A believer in that

A believer in enduring

right where I’m at.

And maybe there’s nothing

perhaps you don’t seek.

But don’t let your legacy

be a person that’s weak.

But yes I get it

Pollyannas not here.

You can’t fucking bear it

you can’t take the fear.

Your eyes are too small

to release the whole sea.

The storm is too fast

feet won’t let you flee.

Your pain is too hot

your pain is like fire.

Your pain burns so bright

you want to expire.

Or maybe it’s ice

suffering so cool.

Warm your shit up

don’t act a fool.

Don’t worry fam

don’t text me all hurried.

It’s not me or mine

of whom to be worried.

People check out

every damn day.

This is for them

these words that I say.

It’s hard to live

surrounded by death.

It’s like: “What am I living,

is this fucking Macbeth?”

So I get it you see,

I get it I do.

But if I can keep going

then so can you.

Just put it down.

put it away.

Don’t be a dumbass

wait one more day.

The sun will go up

the sun must go down.

You will again smile

you must again frown.

There’s something about it

this life thing you see.

Humans must feel

it’s just how we be.

So listen up fucker

here’s something true:

some other motherfucker

will one day need you.

They’ll be on the verge

of a slice or a pull.

They’ll need a reminder

that life is lived full.

Full of the downs

so there can be ups.

We all start out empty

we fill our own cups.

I really do get it

indeedy I do.

But if I can go on

then so can you.

You aren’t alone

we’re all on the brink.

Stop believing the lies

your mind tries to think.

It will get better

it will get worse.

Don’t be so final

you’re here to rehearse.

You don’t need morality

you don’t need belief.

One breath at a time

there will be relief.

Thoughts fuck you up

don’t have a cow.

You’re only fucking ever

right here and right now.

Thoughts are not you

thoughts are not real.

Thoughts are like cards

just learn how to deal.

But I get it

I’m not the boss of you.

To endure this shit

speak what is true.

Scream and cry

lament and cuss.

Don’t be so selfish

think about us.

That person you wish

could help you right now.

Be that person for someone

in the future that’s how.

That’s how we make it

that’s how we go on.

All of your battles

so far you have won.

Figure it the fuck out

peace or bust!

You’ve got this my friend

In YOU- I do trust.

Rainbows

At times it can be difficult to find a silver lining, but how about a fucking rainbow? I found one and the pot of gold that ejaculated it.

Maisie isn’t really down with me taking photos of her to post but old pics are authorized so there you go, she and I at a parade in Guerneville long ago.

Today is a good day and that’s not something that I’ve said in a while. But before we talk about Leprechauns, let’s talk some science shit.

Folks with spinal cord injuries are evaluated shortly after their injury and categorized on something called the ASIA scale (American Spinal Injury Association).

Asia A= Zero sensory or motor function South of the injury and there is no chance of it returning. Another word for this classification is: “complete”.

Asia B= You can have some feeling below the injury but no function.

Asia C= there can be feeling and some motor function preserved, although the muscles that regain function are very weak.

Asia D= You have feeling and function but it’s weak.

Asia E= a normal mofo who has zero injury or issues.

Idk if you were looking for a lesson about spinal cord injuries but there you go, you just got one.

When Maisie was still in the ICU in Chico, she could not feel below her breastbone and as for function, she had none, other than she could barely move her arms. As the swelling and inflammation decreased she eventually regained a degree of feeling in most of her body but no function except for certain muscles in her arms.

Upon arriving at rehab Maisie was assessed and given an Asia B score: some feeling but no function. She is considered a quadriplegic as all 4 limbs are affected.

Being quadriplegic doesn’t mean that there is zero function. Maisie’s triceps showed zero function but she has been getting stronger with her other arm muscles and is surprisingly adaptable in what she can do. She is quite adept at moving her wrist in such a way so as to thrust and pick her nose with her thumb. Quite impressive and something of a relief because trying to pick someone else’s nose is really hard. And kinda gross.

When she was first assessed she had zero function in her fingers, which is still the case, for now, and zero function below her ribcage which includes the trunk muscles, the organs of elimination and of course legs.

Ok let’s talk rainbows and shit now, shall we?

Today- 2 months and 1 day after her horrendous accident we all finally get to leave the fucking hospital. We are headed to her Grandma & Grandpas house for approximately 2 months until our elevator is ready and all the other associated home modifications necessary to getting the Bird home for realsies are complete.

Last night, our last night of hospital incarceration, the Doc came and did the Asia test again.

Ok, here’s the rainbow part-

We discovered that Maisie is now able to push out her right arm which means that she has regained some tricep function in that arm which is fucking amazeballs!

Ok here’s the pot of gold part:

We were all absolutely shocked and delighted to find that Maisie’s right quadricep is firing. It’s not moving her leg yet or doing much other than flexing a tiny bit but HELLOOOO- HOUSTON WE HAVE A FUCKING SIGNAL!

I know in the scheme of things it may seem so small and so minimal. But for us and our situation, it’s absolutely enormous.

Maisie has now been designated, or I should say, upgraded, to an Asia C.

Fuuuuuck.

It’s a big fucking deal.

Our sweet girl has the selfsame pragmatic proclivities as her old man. She has been depressed and thinking that her legs were dead meat forever. It’s a very reasonable and mature response if you think about it. Prepare your mind for the worst and deal with that scenario so that you are not further emotionally destroyed down the line when your hopes and dreams are finally crushed. In a situation like this, hope feels dangerous. It’s easy to armchair this shit when you are whole and happy and can speak easily of manifestation and positive thinking and this book or that treatment and all the things. But being in it is a very different story and we all find different ways of navigating such troubled waters.

Oddly enough just 2 nights ago I thought to myself “if she could just have one little win, if she could just move a toe 1 millimeter or some shit- I think that would open the floodgates of hope and positive effort would flow like a tsunami”.

After seeing the quadricep visibly quiver and the pronouncement of her being an Asia C… fuck. My face hurt from smiling. Wifey Poo and I kept looking at each other during the rest of the Asia evaluation grinning like possums eating shit. Grinning like a dog with two dicks. And Maisie- her face lit the fuck up like the Moon.

That was a good day.

Here’s something that I’ve noticed and I only say it for the sake of better understanding how we work. I mean, if I have to live this then I might as well milk some knowledge out of it and splash that knowledge around to benefit someone who might need it someday. Yep splashing the white liquid of knowledge all over so many faces… Anywho…

People want good news. They want to know that terrible things get better. They want confirmation that reality is conforming to their view of what they think it should be. We seek confirmation that prayer or manifestation or happy endings are in fact effective and consistent. But all that gets weird when facing something like this that is in direct opposition to a paradigm.

From this side of the unthinkable wall, I want to say that sometimes it’s hard to be that kind of sounding board for folks. It feels like you have this responsibility to make sure people feel good and secure and confirm that their version of reality is in fact what they think it is. It’s not, but you dare not devastate them. You’ve had enough devastation. You are destroyed, shattered, trying desperately to put humpty dumpy back together again. So you tell someone one tiny positive thing for them to bite into amidst a plethora of really hideous awful shit you don’t dare mention and that one thing then becomes the singular measure of the entire situation for folks- which I understand and I do not fault at all whatsoever.

Don’t get me wrong, positive thinking is important. It’s just that from this angle and at this stage it’s sometimes hard to hear a lot of uninformed but hopeful notions based on one wee little bit of positivity when the majority of what you are dealing with is a tidal wave of so many terrible or scary or even life threatening things. Folks can (understandably) be over the moon because she can feel her legs and we are too but we are constantly worried about the fact that her blood pressure frequently tanks for no reason or skyrockets due to her injury and threatens her life unpredictabley and other things that, for the sake of dignity, I won’t mention. And now we are leaving the hospital knowing it will continue but medically speaking we are kind of on our own. There’s no nurses call button or a Dr. just around the corner. Scary scary shit. We put on a brave and hopeful face for the sake of all of our loved one’s comfort. But in private, we break and we weep and feel so very frightened and so very sorry that our little girl has to go through this. That, of course, is the source of our heartache. Watching her suffer so much.

I’m only saying this in case one day, a day I hope never comes, if someone dear to you is in a similar situation you can be mindful that perhaps they are minimally sharing a bit of good news only because they intuit thats what you are looking and hoping for in your eager and hopeful loving. But they are likely holding back and stewing on so so so so fucking many difficult unspeakable things that are very hard to share because we all know- people want to hear good news and we don’t want to drag our dearest people down anywhere near the abysmal drain we are currently circling.

No one knows what to say because- there really is nothing to say. If I had to give advice I guess I’d say to try give space if you intuit it’s needed from time to time. I’d say when it’s not just be there, like totally be there. I’d say don’t try to be overly helpful as in keep asking how you can help because that tasks an already overtaxed person to now have to figure out something for you to do because they know you desperately want to something, anything. Try to make your support as much for the people suffering as possible and root out any buried guilt. Examine your motivations. It’s rare, this anomaly I speak of, but it needs to be said, not for us, but to hopefully help someone else best help someone they love. The greatest help is in the small things like making Maisie smile, sharing a meal, things like that.

And to my incredibly supportive friends and family you are fucking amazing, we love and appreciate you beyond measure. So many folks clearly love us and love the shit out of Maisie and are hopeful she’ll get better and we very much are too.

Today is a good day.

We are getting the fuck outta here and Maisie has regained some function in her right tricep and right quadricep. And yes there is a lot of scary shit ahead regarding blood pressure issues and mysterious bouts of nausea and Autonomic dysreflexia and and and and……..

…and, we will table that for now because today we are winning. Maisie is an Asia C, did I mention it’s a big fucking deal? For realsies, it is so by all means let’s rejoice for that shit!

And we are finally leaving the hospital, I can’t even express how glad I am for that.

2 months dwelling inside of a hospital labyrinth skin turning to paste, growing mushrooms out of my ass and now I have these weird blotchy red rashes on my face and for some inexplicable reason my pants and shirts are getting really tight. Hospital food sucks so one is forced to partake in food trucks and door dash and… when you don’t have much to look forward to on the daily, food can fill that void. I am looking forward to incorporating Maisie’s full time care with being a real fucking human again. Wild animals never do well in captivity.

Clearly, I’ve got a lot of words to blast into the interwebs about all of this but to date I still don’t have enough words of gratitude for everyone. You can’t even imagine all the support of family, friends, loved ones, strangers, online acquaintances… the outpouring is incalculable.

Thank you times a trillion.

Recently Maisie said to me that she didn’t feel like she deserved all this support. She doesn’t feel like she deserves all this love.

I told her that the fact that she doesn’t feel like she deserves all this, is all the more reason that she does indeed deserve it.

We all deserve it, all of us, I mean you too.

I can’t imagine what people in this situation do without love and support.

You have to let love in, you have to. I’m grateful for every single drop directed our way.

This is fucking hard, but we are eternally grateful to all of you. I will pay off my debt with words as best I can in hopes that others can find a way to suffer a bit less than I have had to. That’s how we make it worth it, suffering I mean. We figure it the fuck out. Not so much for us, but for that person we may never meet. To minimize suffering with the ripples of our own effort. To throw a lifeline into the future for a single stranger. That’s how we get through this. Not so much for us, but for them. Whomever them may be.

Perhaps that them is you.

Toodaloo.